13/3/24 | Retreat

I got a spot in a meditation retreat.

I'm carefully happy about that. There's a side of me that wants to just hole up in my house and never do anything ever in my life, and I have promised myself that this year I'll toss myself recklessly at everything my first instinct would be to slink away from. A meditation retreat is a fairly benign way to challenge oneself, and it's not the retreat itself that fills me with doubts, but the fact I don't have a car and I would be relying in various forms of public transit to get there. I have some residue trust issues when it comes to public transit, and all the strikes happening lately had fed my concerns of this exploding in my face in some way. While I've grown pretty numb to things failing in one way or another, that mindset has normalized a world where nothing ever goes right and if it does, there's a surprise waiting to happen.

Maybe it's not that I have trust issues with public transit, but the world and myself as a whole.

Either way, I'll be giving it a try and remind myself my anxieties are just me and not necessarily a reflection of the state of the world.

12/3/24 | On self improvement

One day walking down the road a thought struck me: What if there's nothing wrong with me? It's not an idea I haven't thought about already, but in that moment it hit me from an angle it hadn't before.

What if there's nothing I direly need to learn in order to be whole and complete as I am? What if there's no piece of information I'm missing that'd make it all better?

It disoriented me, because I never thought of myself as someone who particularly dislikes themselves. I don't have burning self-hatred flagellating me to be better. Still, I had an inexplicable itch to be something... more. To improve, to be a little better, to learn a little more and perhaps it'll take me somewhere where I feel more prepared and ready to embark. On what? Who knows. Life? I just assumed I would get a sense of satisfaction that would never leave me, and that would be my sign I am ready.

I now realize how delusional that is.

I'm not saying all this has been in vain. I have learned, and I have snippets living in my head rent-free that sometimes help me out of a mental pinch I'm in... but perhaps the biggest lesson to be gleaned from all this is that there's nothing in me to fix. As long as I take myself as someone who has something off-kilter about them, that'll be my reality and no amount of reading, listening and searching will change that.

There are people out there who paddle on in chaotic circumstances, behave destructively and consequences are simply water off a duck's back. They seem to be doing reasonably fine. They smile, laugh and find joy in life despite it all. They're living life while I'm thinking about life, and I am the fool here. I am obsessively clinging to the contents of my own mind, watering thoughts like they were flowers in my garden and weeding out the bad ones, treating it as if my work wouldn't vanish the moment I stop thinking about it.

I need to touch some grass. Perhaps obsess about something else for a while. I've been on this road for so long introspection has become habitual and impractical. It'll be hard to change the course, but I think it's worth trying. I have pushed aside things that used to be important to me, but I couldn't enjoy them with this nagging sense of neglecting something I should be attending to, the feeling of not being quite ready as a person yet.

2/3/24

I can't remember when I started domesticating myself. I thought good things would come if I put myself aside for others. I shrunk myself so small, and for what? To be trampled over? To avoid hurting others by allowing them to hurt me?

I don't know why I valued the feelings and thoughts of others so much. What was the point of that? It's not like it earned me people that felt like friends. Even today I struggle telling the difference between a friend and a potential threat. Trust is a card I can never play, and every day I see reasons why.

WEEK FOUR

First day. I'm frustrated how much time my art takes, and my frustration feeds into my dissatisfaction towards what I end up finishing. It's a nasty loop.

Second day. Like a clockwork, a good day steps in to take the place of the previous bad day. I don't know why these alternate so predictably. Even the intensity correlates.

Third day. Uh. I forgot to pay attention to this day at all.

Fourth day. Dead tired. I'm going to listen to podcasts and ignore this mortal coil.

On fifth day I drew and listened to a guy go on about shit I want to learn.

Sixth day. I have this misconception that everything worthwhile has to be difficult. Those two are inseparable. If something is easy, it's probably not worthwhile. It's a good motivator to maintain one's work ethic, but it makes for a terrible heuristic that leads to devaluation of perfectly valid sources of enjoyment.

WEEK THREE

First day. My thoughts went to an interesting direction. I might write something out of it.

Second day. Unforeseen events sneak in and swallow my time.

Third day. Never forget the value of time. Of course, I eventually will. I can only do my best to remember.

Fourth day I spent around the subject present moment while spending very little in it myself.

Fifth day was the most excellent. I also learned "Tamagotchi-effect" exists.

Sixth day was an expected counterpart to yesterday.

Seventh day is going to be so busy I doubt I'll get to do much of what I'd wish to.

WEEK TWO

First day began with a welcome change of pace. I read some comics in the morning, and felt an inkling of inspiration. I fear I'll get swallowed by IRL demands the moment I try to brainstorm.

On second day I became determined to finish that darn art. I've dragged my feet long enough. I hope to become quicker with art.

I made fried chicken in sambal oelek sauce. It seems I take forever with cooking, too.

Third day. I wish I liked Goa Gil's music as much as I like his aesthetic. Whoever makes an album called Karmageddon while looking like a psychic type gym leader should have a special place in my heart.

Fourth day. I made a proper cheesecake. It took a small eternity.

I noticed my memory works a little better after having been without a smartphone. My concentration is still easily disrupted, but I retain more things. For example; while cooking, I don't have to keep checking the recipe that much.

On the fifth day I find myself considering going to a meditation retreat. All the available ones are so far away from me, and such long trips are intimidating to me. Still, I feel a strong need to do it at least once in my life.

On sixth day I vowed to not code and begin introducing some variety to my days. I think it was a smart move. I watched a movie that turned out to be extra depressing. After that I sketched some worm food.

On seventh day I just drew.

WEEK ONE

First day was slogging through gray sludge. I read, wrote and drew, but nothing would come to clear out the gray. I clung onto hope for second wind that never came.

Second day was better. I was woken up by a simple thought: "When you least want to do something, that's the best time to do it." Suddenly, my drab mood failed to hold me captive, and I broke free. I thumbnailed a rough draft for art, and the inner voice I desperately sought yesterday was there for me.

Third day went in a bit of a daze. I drew my mind numb, and forgot I needed to write a couple of things. What an uninspiring day. My thoughts are restless, but not lively. I wonder if I should look for worms tomorrow.

Fourth day began with important realization I spent my entire morning ruminating on. After that I went to look for worms, and I actually found some. I'll be sure to keep checking that place from here on.

Fifth day started off busy as shit, and remains that way until evening. I'm not excited, but I try to make the most of it, and go to sleep early.

Sixth day began with determination to investigate my loss of inspiration further. I'll draw, and pay attention to what is eating away my sense of presence.

Seventh day may be yet another day where IRL demands my attention. I wish I could finish a drawing to make my upcoming gallery page a little less obsolete, but I can't have that, can I?