17/12/2024 | Sick



So I came down with the flu. I haven't gotten sick in a while, and what I learned is that my life goes entirely off the rails when I do. All the routines that give me structure? Gone. My space? Messy. All the maintenance that goes to my daily life is on hold and it's a little bit frightening to see how much it matters. I can't claim to be a fan of the sudden loss of freedom, either. My biological vehicle disappoints me greatly. Repair yourself at once, and serve your master, for it is your obligation.

15/12/2024 | Unrelatable



I had something I wanted to write about, but I can't seem to find the right words. It might be something that would be better covered in a proper ramble, or perhaps it's not worth sharing at all. It was about relatability, and covert attempts to escape it. A fear of being subsumed by other people's experiences, and efforts to avoid it... But this might be an entirely misguided approach to preserving a self. The more you fear it, the more real you make it. The fact is I don't actually lose my self. It's just my ego clenching around an experience I interpret as intrusive. Eh. Regardless...

Lately I've noticed progress I've made in a couple of areas of my life, and the thought process prompted by it sounded so... silly? It was as if I saw for the first time how doing things leads to... things being done. If I put aside time to do certain things over and over again, it will result in an outcome. Why I found this realization so silly was that... I should know. I've made progress in my life before. This shouldn't be something new, and yet I deadass stood there for a good while with my eyes glazed over. Doing things leads to things being done. Wowie! To approach the topic with a little more serious tone, I've been in bit of a mental rut for like... maybe five years. I certainly did not feel like I was getting anywhere, and I didn't stop to give myself credit for anything, really. I also didn't stick to things for long enough to see any progress. Well, even if I made any progress, I don't think I would've been able to give it value. Somewhere deep down I felt like I was defected in some profound way, and this defect voided everything I did of value. I cannot be "good" so nothing I did could have "goodness" in it. It was a weird time... The progress I've been able to see lately has been opposite to that. Sometimes I have this subtle realization that I'm just like everyone else. I'm part of "The Others", and something about that thought has given me peace of mind. I don't have to be so vigilant of Others. I can learn from Others, because we don't have to be different. Others have value for me, and perhaps I can have value for Others.

10/12/2024 |



Sometimes getting a breather from everything is all I need. I'd take them more often, but guilt wouldn't let me make any use of it. I'd just stress myself out by having this persistent feeling it will somehow come back to bite me. Now? I don't know why, but I'm able to enjoy my chill evening.

29/11/2024 | Excessive reliance



A long talk with a good friend made me realize how much I covertly devalue myself. I read a lot and listen a lot to talks, which is fine, but... I'm constantly taking in someone else's thoughts, ruminating on them until it's all I've got going on for me. Until I lose track of what I have in me.
I struggle with a strange sense of uncertainty, and it drives me to get more information, hear more about what someone else thinks about it, and I lose sight of myself further. I keep relying on someone wiser than me, and it feeds a belief I cannot make it on my own. What I have in me is insufficient. And so, I look elsewhere again and in doing so, devalue myself.
It's perhaps not over-reliance on other people in the conventional sense, but it has the same downsides. I corrode my trust in myself, and my inner resources wither. I don't want to do that anymore.

23/11/2024 | It's weekend again...



It's always a jarring drop from fervent activity under pressure to having nothing but time in your hands.

I found kimchi-style sauerkraut from the store. I bought it along some goat cheese and rye bread and learned this combination actually slaps. I'm probably going to live on it for a while. It kind of did carry me through this day, and even after having eaten a lot of it today, I'm craving it again.

21/11/2024 | This Is Your Brain on Hearing Loss



I hope venty posts like this won't become a habit for me, but I really felt like I needed to get this off my chest.

Hearing loss sucks. Did you know when you start to lose hearing, your brain starts repurposing other areas to make up for it? Well, it does, and I wish it didn't do that. I honestly do not think the sacrifice is worth it. Listening takes so much effort it's actually a little painful. It feels like the second I perceive speech, my whole soul and being is being violently dismantled and recombined into one giant ear against my own will. The entirety of my attention is sucked out from me and slammed against any human noise that vaguely resembles a word regardless of what I was meant to be focusing on, and even then I fail to hear what the fuck is being said. I hate this. I genuinely, sincerely resent this so much it would make me sick if I dwelled in it too much. I do not want other people's noises to be the most salient input for me the second they open their mouth. I want to be able to hear myself, my own thoughts, when in presence of others.

I have a deep wish to one day find people who understand this and are super conservative with their words. I want someone to just exist in silence with me.

Maybe I just need to get myself signed up for another silent retreat...

18/11/2024 | Intention



I think I could have clearer intention with my art. Oftentimes I just go where my intuition leads me and figure it out as I go. I do have some vague idea before I start, but I feel my best ideas come when I'm working on the piece. I think it would help my art if I dared to plan a little more, but it's hard for me to hold onto thoughts without doing anything concrete to anchor them down.

I had a good day. School is going well, and I have enough time to do the things I really want to do. I need to pay attention to and appreciate days like this more. I don't get them often, so I should recognize it when I've got one.

16/11/2024 | Day off



It's weekend, and I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. I used to enjoy having days off before, but at this age they just make me feel lost. I don't know how to enjoy myself the way I did before, and now I welcome being drowned by all these external tasks. Maybe at this particular stage in my life that's actually a good thing. I can pursue a better life without having to fight with my true desires all the time. I should appreciate it in spite of this negative voice inside of me highlighting the bad. Yes, I miss the way I was before. I miss how much joy I could derive from creativity and how I could immerse myself in the stories I created... but that simply wouldn't work with my current circumstances. I need to let the past go, and look at where I am presently. There are great gifts hiding in my life right now. I've grown as a person, and it's given me confidence I didn't even think I could have.

Maybe this moment, this present day, isn't too bad? Maybe the habit of negativity is the problem I should let go of.

15/11/2024 | Peripheral awareness



It seems my peripheral attention is absolutely crippled LOL. I hardly keep track of the larger context. I only have one, highly tempered beam of attention bouncing from one thing to another. It probably keeps me in a state of unnecessary tension, too. It's like I cannot quit mentally attending to things. I can't just perceive and be aware of them. It's a detail I think might be important, but also experientially very unfamiliar and as such, at risk of slipping my mind entirely. So, I'm making this update as a way to hopefully make a more salient memory of this observation.

Another observation worth making is the stark contrast between the days I start with a gym early in the morning vs. the days I don't. It gives me energy, and this attitude of tackling the day head-on with brisk enthusiasm. I wonder if it matters that there are obligations to look forward to on the coming day. I think I'll find that out tomorrow!

12/11/2024 | Optimized day



Today wasn't as overwhelming as yesterday. I had a lot to do, but all my tasks didn't slip out of control and drown me in mental chaos. I clocked out my hour of drawing just fine. My current schedule is pretty heavy on my groggy morning self, but I try to keep it up for this week to see if this is something I can do. If I get half of my personal to-do list done before I attend to classes I don't have to scream internally the rest of my day.

11/11/2024 | Old set-up



Today has been a mess, but it had one glimmer of hope; I got my old set-up back!
I never felt at home with my updated set-up, and I constantly felt vaguely uncomfortable and irritated while I drew. Turns out a huge screen and a pen you're used to holding truly makes drawing a less painstaking experience. And that's not all! This set-up allows me to draw with a program I hold dear: OpenCanvas1.1. It's so old, but it's been a reliable companion from ever since I was but a fledgling. Drawing with this set-up is like coming home.

If my Cintiq flops over and dies, let this post be my reminder getting a new one is worth every penny.