18/11/2024 | Intention



I think I could have clearer intention with my art. Oftentimes I just go where my intuition leads me and figure it out as I go. I do have some vague idea before I start, but I feel my best ideas come when I'm working on the piece. I think it would help my art if I dared to plan a little more, but it's hard for me to hold onto thoughts without doing anything concrete to anchor them down.

I had a good day. School is going well, and I have enough time to do the things I really want to do. I need to pay attention to and appreciate days like this more. I don't get them often, so I should recognize it when I've got one.

16/11/2024 | Day off



It's weekend, and I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. I used to enjoy having days off before, but at this age they just make me feel lost. I don't know how to enjoy myself the way I did before, and now I welcome being drowned by all these external tasks. Maybe at this particular stage in my life that's actually a good thing. I can pursue a better life without having to fight with my true desires all the time. I should appreciate it in spite of this negative voice inside of me highlighting the bad. Yes, I miss the way I was before. I miss how much joy I could derive from creativity and how I could immerse myself in the stories I created... but that simply wouldn't work with my current circumstances. I need to let the past go, and look at where I am presently. There are great gifts hiding in my life right now. I've grown as a person, and it's given me confidence I didn't even think I could have.

Maybe this moment, this present day, isn't too bad? Maybe the habit of negativity is the problem I should let go of.

15/11/2024 | Peripheral awareness



It seems my peripheral attention is absolutely crippled LOL. I hardly keep track of the larger context. I only have one, highly tempered beam of attention bouncing from one thing to another. It probably keeps me in a state of unnecessary tension, too. It's like I cannot quit mentally attending to things. I can't just perceive and be aware of them. It's a detail I think might be important, but also experientially very unfamiliar and as such, at risk of slipping my mind entirely. So, I'm making this update as a way to hopefully make a more salient memory of this observation.

Another observation worth making is the stark contrast between the days I start with a gym early in the morning vs. the days I don't. It gives me energy, and this attitude of tackling the day head-on with brisk enthusiasm. I wonder if it matters that there are obligations to look forward to on the coming day. I think I'll find that out tomorrow!

12/11/2024 | Optimized day



Today wasn't as overwhelming as yesterday. I had a lot to do, but all my tasks didn't slip out of control and drown me in mental chaos. I clocked out my hour of drawing just fine. My current schedule is pretty heavy on my groggy morning self, but I try to keep it up for this week to see if this is something I can do. If I get half of my personal to-do list done before I attend to classes I don't have to scream internally the rest of my day.

11/11/2024 | Old set-up



Today has been a mess, but it had one glimmer of hope; I got my old set-up back!
I never felt at home with my updated set-up, and I constantly felt vaguely uncomfortable and irritated while I drew. Turns out a huge screen and a pen you're used to holding truly makes drawing a less painstaking experience. And that's not all! This set-up allows me to draw with a program I hold dear: OpenCanvas1.1. It's so old, but it's been a reliable companion from ever since I was but a fledgling. Drawing with this set-up is like coming home.

If my Cintiq flops over and dies, let this post be my reminder getting a new one is worth every penny.